The New Voice Mail at National Defence HQ
Thank you for calling the Canadian Forces. We are sorry, but  all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged.

Please press '1' to leave a message, with your country, name of organization, region, details of the specific crisis, and a number where we can reach you. As soon as we have sorted out  Indonesia, the Balkans, Iraq, marauding Chinese refugees,  the Combat bra, the Millennium Bug, marching up and down the streets of Toronto with snow shovels, and compulsory Diversity Training, we will return your call.

Please speak after the tone. For other services, please listen to the following options:
If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press '2' for the Canadian Navy.

If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low risk bombing runs, please press '3' for the Canadian Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours or on weekends.

If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit of rifle drill, a colour party and a really good marching band, please write, well in advance, to The Commanding Officer, The Ceremonial Guard, Ottawa Ontario.

If your enquiry is not urgent, please press '4' for the 2 Canadian Mobile Brigade Group's Quick Reaction Force.

Only if you are in real, hot trouble, then press '5' and your call will be routed to The Royal Canadian Sea Cadets.

If you are interested in joining the Army, and wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature arthritis, put your life partner and family in a condemned hut miles from civilization, and are prepared to work your butt off daily, risking your life in all weathers and terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the Treasury Board eroding your original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be taken by a bitter passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a strip mall somewhere in Newfoundland.

Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the Canadian Forces.

Anonymous (hopefully)